The Good Die Young

Someone I know died in a car crash the other night.

there's no real good way to start this kind of post, so I'm just going to be blunt. I like blunt. There's no room for interpretation that way.

The strange thing is, I didn't really know him that well. Three years ago I went to a friend's ranch in Wyoming to visit for a month. They have three kids all younger than me who I am friends with.This was the third time I had done this. It was sort of a vacation/friends visit, and was always a whole lot of fun. Even though I was up early and working every day, it was the most fun work I could do. Riding horses, chasing cows, getting muddy... Who wouldn't love that? Stupid people, that's who.

Just kidding. I'm sure riding might not be your thing, but mud is fun stuff. In fact, it's spring. Grab some old clothes, go outside, and just get covered.

I mean covered.

Anyway, that year they had an intern. His name was Shane Grove, and he was a couple years older than me. I think he was 22. I had a lot of fun with my friends that summer, and I also had a lot of fun with Shane. One day Shane, the oldest girl (Clara) and I all went up on the mountain together to find cows. Clara and I made sandwiches and we stopped at one point to eat them. At one point we found a huge rattlesnake and killed it. I threw a big rock at it and it ended up landing closer to Shane than the snake. he shot it with a .22 handgun which was a lot more useful than the rock. It was a really fun day.

During that month I went to a branding, a party at another ranch, and all kinds of other things. Clara and I hung out and had fun, and we picked on Shane a lot. One day when he was out working, we took his horse (who was a male) and braided his mane. As soon as he drove down the driveway we started giggling and couldn't stop. He didn't know why. He went to check his horse and we stood by the house watching from a distance. We saw him walk up to his horse, pet him, look at the horse's mane, then he just shook his head. He pulled out his phone and took a picture of it, then came back to the house where everyone was on the porch and said, "someone attacked my horse." Of course he knew who it was. We weren't so good at hiding it.

Shane was really great and knew a lot about horses, roping, and general cowboy stuff. he loved his horse and animals in general and was really nice and fun to be around. When I left he was going out to work and left before us. I didn't really say goodbye, he knew I was leaving and he had work to do. I didn't think  I would see him again, maybe he would happen to visit the ranch when I was also visiting, but that was unlikely to happen.

But I never thought he'd just be gone.

We are friends on Facebook and I always see pictures and statuses he posts. I never really talk to him, and I think I may have liked a picture or two and maybe commented once in the three years since my visit. We didn't really know each other that well, and I'm shy and never felt comfortable messaging him or anything. I mostly just looked at hunting and work pictures he posted. He was a firefighter and had dogs and a horse. He hunted and I think snowboarded. I really didn't know him that well.

Which is why I'm surprised I was so upset. I'm not a very emotional person when it comes to death unless it's someone I really know. I see people's friends dying on facebook and it makes me sad, but I don't really think much of it. I either didn't know those people or knew their name and not much else about them. But when I was looking through Facebook today and I saw someone (I'm assuming his mom, maybe his sister. I don't even know) tag him in a picture and saw comments saying things like, "sorry for your loss", I was sad. at first I thought, "what? Oh. Well that sucks." Then it hit me.

Shane died.

Is it possibly that someone I only talked to for a month, then barely ever again, could impact me that much? That even though I barely know him now, I'm this upset?

I guess so. I guess I didn't realize until now how great that summer was, how many amazing memories I have, and how sad it makes me that his family and friends don't have him anymore.

There are so many people that love him. My news feed on Facebook is filled with people tagging him and posting pictures and memories. He was a really good person who everyone he was around really cared about, even if they didn't know him that much.

And now I'm regretting not saying goodbye. It's sort of ridiculous, I think. It wasn't a big deal at the time that I was probably never going to see him again, but now I will for sure never see him again. There won't be any pictures on Facebook, any comments, nothing. He's just wiped out of everyone's lives. Which I guess is what happens when everyone dies, but it's such a strange and surreal thought.

When I first saw the picture this morning, I thought, "maybe I should message him. Maybe I should actually talk to him." I didn't realize right away what the picture was. It was just another hunting picture of him, and I didn't understand the caption at the time. But then I realized what it meant.

Now there's no maybe. I can't and I will never speak to him again. I don't have a choice. I don't have any shyness holding me back. I literally cannot speak to Shane ever again.

Why didn't I just say hi once? Three years and I said nothing. We might as well have not been Facebook friends. I didn't say anything and now I never will.

So I'm not going to be shy anymore. It's kind of a big step for me to take, as I've never been very extroverted. But I'm not just going to ignore people because I'm afraid they'll think I'm weird, or I'll say the wrong thing, or be awkward. I have been so awkward to people that are now my best friends.

Awkward happens. It's the people that are still with you after that stage that are real friends. And since I was afraid of awkward, friends won't ever happen.

So if you're a facebook friend reading this and I never talk to you, you might expect a message from me. And if I don't, and you've ever thought about talking to me but didn't, do it. Don't hesitate, just message me. Please. We might become friends. But if we never do, we may never get the chance.

So be awkward, make friends, and who cares if they think you're strange? I'm strange. I know I am. But why act like I'm not or be afraid of it? I'm just going to be as strange as I want and if you like it then we can be friends. But I don't want to miss out on someone who might be a really great person.

I don't think I can do that again.